The Self I Was Before

I sometimes see the self I was before

And what through years of toil I have become.

One was with me who channelled all my dreams

And made my days a symphony of song.

Now she is gone and silent and alone

I walk the garden lanes to still the soul.

Yet I seem to pass through a revolving door

Only to enter and go round again,

So little appears the progress I have made.

If one cannot control emotion's thrusts

Or summon help when adverse beings come,

To look with an uncompromising eye,

On habits and the long established ways,

Then in truth a Sisyphus-like task,

A moving forward only to fall back

Seems my destiny preordained.

I cannot say that nought has been achieved,

A peace unknown in turbid years of youth,

A presence that one feels as intimate,

A calm companion on the upward way

And someone who responds in times of prayer

Are signs and symbols not to be ignored.

Outward anger much subsided now

Is turned to things I cannot overcome.

Perhaps a darkness in my spirit hides

Emerging when the mind is sorely stressed.

Or the restless vital clamours to be fed.

Only by exposure to the Light

Can the cross of ignorance and pain

Be lifted and desire rooted out.

That faith and consecration are my path

And love the rose that blossoms in my soul

I have no doubt, but the way is long and hard

And the distractions of the world are there

To turn the being from its intended course.

Resolve and an uncompromising view

Of what one is and what one must become,

Stripping away the costumes we have worn

From birth to birth hiding the diamond's glow

We must or miss the purpose of our lives.

Surrender and sincerity are key

To That which still lies silent as the soul.

The man of truth whose standard beauty is

Must now emerge from the heart-space where he sits

To lead us swiftly to the predestined goal.